Once upon I believed that love is something so powerful that even if you never felt it in any capacity you want it; and feel incomplete without ever having loved or worse having never been loved. Romantic comedy’s sell us fairy tales of what you too can look like when in love; glowing with a flawless face and a killer bod skipping merrily down the street. Then, jealous cynics blog about the vapid nature in which they are bred and you die inside a little or at least I did or do because even though I know they are vapid and cheesy, when you are raised in an empty home covered in red walls with a nasty under bite those movies can be all you or I have. And so maybe, just maybe at that point I take off my big girl pants and you your glasses so we are blinded just enough to fall in love and genuinely say; you are perfect in every way. And in that need to be loved nothing else matters friends fade away in a matter of months, you look in the mirror you look prettier cause you lost 10 pounds, u know because you asked and your love says yes. And then you create life within this blinding love and you feel like you have come full circle and all the loss of friends that you played with in the sandbox, and boys and girls that you kissed and kept in your pocket for a rainy day was worth it. Right up to this moment as you hurl into a toilet that is desperately in need of a cleaning. And then something funny happens right as you are bringing new life into the world; You put on your glasses to help you see better and I put on strap on my big girl pants once they’ve stitched me up and the world is more vibrant and real and genuine. Your child is sick and the aura that gives love this blinding glow has faded you blame the child but I blame my love for you and I start smiling less and crying more missing the ones you pushed away and I kissed so gingerly. I feel bad for inappropriate thoughts but can’t help it because they fill that void on lonely days that a newborn can’t. Once upon a time I believed in love so much that its power overwhelmed and consumed me. That’s all.
I guess the best place to start this blog would be at the start. But There are so many things that even now as I’m sitting and writing that are going through my head at one time I can’t string together clear thoughts. The outward response tends to be jumbled lyrics to an indecisive persons soundtrack; that’s number 10 on my bucket list make a soundtrack to my life so far I’ve got some ska and an alternative angst song for when I wanna feel deep or be angsty but that’s all. Closer to number one is to join the good fight against this roll that has ever so slightly started forming under my chin; to combat that I take a very firm back hand to it morning, noon, night, while I pee and, at times during sex because i’m not cool enough to carry off a double chin. That requires a screw u middle finger to evil skinny bitches and douche bag dudes that will judge me. I get judged enough being a negro dark skinned female; I guess I should consider myself lucky that my double d’s make me more acceptable on a good societal day.
So why blog? Why be another page in a sea of millions with something to say that’s deep and thought provoking and world changing and metaphorical; for that reason I think. Maybe so my soul can be at peace and I wont keep stepping in shit looking for the latest craze (right now it’s shoes) that will fill me up with love and ever lasting hope; although since I bear the cross in my car jesus covers those bases so I guess what I’m truly looking for is a different shade of happy; perhaps one in a gray color I like that shade.
This may take a while………